Tags
Advent, Angelic Warfare Confraternity, chaplet, Evening Prayer, Examen, Inexhaustible Chalice, memento mori, Morning Prayer, novena, prayer, Psalter, Rosary, Saint Benedict of Nursia, Saint Ignatius of loyola, Sr. Theresa Aletheia Noble, trials and tribulations
Praying is hard. Praying in the moment can be easy, but disciplined, regular, sequential prayer, is hard. Praying well in Advent, during the month of December with all its distractions, is that much harder. For instance, I began a Novena to prepare for Christmas last week, and have already failed to complete it, and need to begin it all over again. This happens a lot with me, I admit. Whatever form or aid I have for prayer -be it Breviary, Morning Prayer and Evening Prayer (and Compline) from the Book of Common Prayer, Psalter, Rosary, Chaplet, prayers of The Angelic Warfare Confraternity, even Saint Augustine’s Prayer Book– the results of their use seem to be the same. That is, I am very good at beginning to use them, but then equally as good at laying them aside, or letting work and “life”events interfere with the Time of Prayer, putting me off whatever rhythm I am attempting to create.
Even that most basic of prerequisites, making time, (the lazy me wants to say “finding time”) to pray, can become overwhelming. That is, choosing a set time to pray, and then keeping to it, and feeling a failure when I miss the stated time, no matter the reason. This feeling makes it easier to give up on Prayer altogether, if not slip entirely into despair, or accedia.
I have even tried adapting the Canonical Hours of Prayer (Matins, Lauds, Prime, Terce, Sext, None, Vespers, Compline) by dividing the day into 3 hour increments and trying to pray the Psalms of that Hour in that period of time. “No joy” as they say. Just Praying the Psalms, let alone the Daily Office or Praying the Hours, it seems safe to say, is an exercise in futility. For me, that is. It requires dedication, perseverance, planning, (just look at the rubrics needed to locate invitatory psalms, Common and Proper of Season, of Saints in Breviary of Prayer Book to see how much work is involved in beginning to pray in this manner), follow-through and -call it like it is- accountability. And in my prayer and spiritual life, that seems lacking.
I cannot imagine how I would handle the obligation to follow a daily Rule of Prayer, if or when I ever receive Anglican-Episcopal Holy Orders.
I am not boasting in my failure, mind you, simply “keeping it real” as the dated slang says.
What this tells me is three things:
First, You can’t plan to pray and expect to actually pray.
(Well you can, but planning to pray usually takes a community to be successful). That is, writing down schedules of prayer, types of prayer, or using a prayer app to remind you to pray is not enough. Or even the point. In order to pray, you need to pray. A very Zen answer, but true nonetheless. All the great saints inevitably say words to this effect whenever someone asks them to teach him or her how to pray.
Second, It tells me that I need help to pray, because of myself I do not have the resources to pray.
That is, unless my prayer is infused by grace, I perceive it as a burden and an obligation, not a privilege and a joy.
Praying is relationship. Prayer is essential. Prayer is a Habit of the soul. All of these things I can say about prayer are good and true, yes. Knowing that this is so about prayer does not make the act of Prayer any less hard, however.
The third thing it tells me is that even in my failure to pray is my need for payer shown to me and my dependence on God acknowledged.
That is, that my need to pray is what I need to bring to Jesus in my prayer. Yes, that Prayer which I too often ignore Even Scripture tells me as much, at Rom. 8:26 where St. Paul says we do not know what to pray for, but the Spirit prays in and for us. Here I am speaking of the saints, the elect, the baptized, those of us who are called, and are in Christ.
Another thing it shows -not just tells- me, is how weak I am. How weak-spirited, weak in nature, weak in resolve. In other words, how utterly, and starkly human I am. And how, recalling the words of 1 Peter, I am not to consider this as some strange malady that affects only me, as if I am the only person undergoing this trial and tribulation of faith. And yes, an inability to pray with regularity counts as a trial and tribulation of faith, because it is my trial and tribulation, one I fear I will struggle with til the day of my death.
Speaking of Death…
I also watched a video today (this was written on a Saturday) on YouTube from the channel “Gospel Simplicity”, titled “Rediscovering the Ancient Practice of Memento Mori (w/ Sr. Theresa Aletheia Noble) , discussing the practice of Memento Mori, the art of the meditation on death. In a nutshell, this is the practice Reviewing my day with Jesus, in view of my death. This practice is a stark example of an Examen of Conscience (popularized by St. Ignatius Loyola of Society of Jesus fame), in light of our inevitable death, whether that day be far in the future, or with our next breath. The Examen, incidentally, is another thing I am bad at doing or good at not doing, even knowing that not practicing such vigilance over my thoughts can lead me astray. But that is another post, and is for another time.
A cool, or morbid (depending on your taste), but certainly edifying aid to the Memento Mori, is having a skull on your prayer desk, or wherever you practice your prayer, using it to meditate on death. In this way you “keep death daily before your mind”, as Saint Benedict of Nursia is said to have told his monks. If you like, place yourself before the skull, and imagine it speaking to you (as Balaam’s ass did to warn its rider of the danger immediately before him) with these words:
Remember friend as you walk by,
-anonymous (modernized)
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now you will surely be;
Prepare thyself to follow me.
A key take away for me from watching this video is that even this “meditation on death” is Prayer, that the tagline “as I am so shall you be” is a call to remember our dependence on God. And yes, even knowing the benefit of such a practice, (and knowing of this practice before finding this video) I find that I am bad at doing it.
About the only thing I am good at doing it seems, is being bad at doing things of the spirit. But, that is why the church in her wisdom gives us this period of preparation before celebrating Christmas, a time to fast, as we are able, to examine ourselves by taking stock of where we are and where we want to be in living our Christian lives, and of bringing our very failures to the Mercy Seat, that Inexhasutible Chalice1 of grace. So I am glad that I recognize my failure to pray during this time of preparation. It is far better to know this about yourself -or in this case, myself- now, even if there is difficulty in correcting this failure so that you -read, I- can turn to our only worthy Advocate with the Father, Jesus living in Mary- than to know it only after we are standing before the Just Judge of our lives.
I hope you have appreciated my words here today, or at least, not cringed too greatly at this disclosure of my spiritual indiscretions.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Our Lady of Grace and Seat of Wisdom, who always leads us to the feet of the true Mercy Seat, Who is Jesus; oh Mary, Our Lady of Walsingham, pray for us.
1 Incidentally, the Eastern Orthodox Churches have an Icon titled Our Lady of the Inexhaustible Chalice; but again, that is a subject for another post, and shall be published at another time.